Jesus Christ and Muhammad Heart
by Zergface
Summary: After the second coming of Christ and Muhammad, this love story goes horribly wrong as they find out that this isn't earth and those aren't their followers


"Muhammad!" jesus shouted, floating high above the streets of New York. "I never thought it would turn out this way!"

"Fuck you!" Muhammad shouted on his flying horse that isn't a Pegasus but just a flying horse. "Your presence offends me!"

"What?!" Said jesus, pointing a finger at Muhammad. "How So?"

Muhammad took a deep breath, then cleared his throat with a death glare at Jesus, who stared right back with anger.

"If you're alive and real, that means that Islam is wrong! And if Islam is wrong, that's islamaphobic!"

Jesus gasped. "I was about to say the same thing, but the other way around!" Snarling, the holy son pulled out a giant long sword from under his robes.

"This world isn't big enough for the both of us!" Jesus cried out, rain starting to fall with epic thunder and lighting all across the city.

"I agree!" Said Muhammad, pulling out a scimitar.

Muhammad was a bearded man wearing green and white robes. As Jesus went into further detail concerning Muhammad's appearance, The holy prophet started feeling stinging sensations all over his body.

"Ach!" He cried out, nearly falling off his fly horse that wasn't a Pegasus. "Going for the cheap shot, eh?"

"Anything to put an end to your evil!" Jesus said triumphantly, charging forward with a battle cry.

"I've got a trick up my sleeve, too!" Muhammad dodged the attack and pulled out a cross.

Jesus gasped as soon as he saw it. "No! What are you showing me?!"

Muhammad laughed menacingly. "You remember getting nailed, don't you?"

Jesus shrieked, looking at his hands. "Oh Dad, Why did this have to be our religious symbol?" Jesus looked down at the ground, noticing that people were wearing the Christian cross around their neck, and a sudden wave of PTSD overtook him.

"Agh!" Jesus retched, holding himself from puking.

"Prepare to die!" Said Muhammad, raising his scimitar.

But just then, something crazy happened.

From out of the sky God and Allah came down, wrestling with each other in the clouds.

"Allah?!" Muhammad said in surprise.

"Myself?" Said Jesus in shock.

"Run, myself!" Said God.

"Muhammad, get out of here!" Said Allah.

"Why?" Said jesus and muhammad at the same time.

There was no time to explain, as God and Allah started punching each other and glowing white. Suddenly, the world exploded from people getting offended at the sight of the other god.

* * *

"Ugh…" Muttered jesus as he rolled onto his side. The grass below him was dry, and when he looked up he was in a field. "Where am I?"

"Jesus Christ!" Moaned Muhammad, who stretched his back, sitting upright.

"Yes?" Jesus replied.

"Nothing nothing…" Muhammad sighed, looking around. "This is strange. Almost unbelievable."

"Yeah…" jesus whispered. "Something isn't right here."

All of a sudden, a dozen million blue slime dog monsters popped out of the ground, screaming something stupid that no one cared to listen to.

"Oh fuck shit ass fuck!" Jesus shouted, scrambling to his feet.

"Oh no!" Muhammad reached for his scimitar, but it wasn't there. "Is this part of your plan?"

"No!" Jesus shouted. "I would have remembered creating these exactly 6000 years ago!"

With the monsters closing in and Jesus and Muhammad pushed back to back, they glanced at each other's eyes dramatically and cartoonishly.

They had to put their differences aside, for now.

But then, before they could do anything interesting such as Kung fu, the King of Heaven looked up and saw something weirder.

It was a purple woman with a funny looking bodysuit and wings, and in her hands was a giant sword of death or whatever.

After killing all the monsters in two seconds, the woman stood before the two confused middle easterners with pride.

"Hello, I am Purple Heart, Goddess of Planeptune. Good thing I got here just in time."

Muhammad gasped before taking an aggressive stance.

"Woman!" He shouted. "Have some dignity! Cover up, convert, or die!"

"Muhammad…" Jesus nudged the prophet in the arm. "Cut it out, you're scaring her."

"What?" Muhammad did a double take. "Oh, sorry, just got a bit fundamental there."

"So who are you?" Asked Purple Heart.

"We are the great prophets of the true religion!"

"Islam!"

"Christianity!"

They gasped, then realized what they were doing just minutes ago.

Taking aggressive stances, they drew up their arms and prepared to slug it out.

"Hold up, what are you doing?" The Goddess snapped, getting between the two.

"Finishing this fight." Jesus grit his teeth.

"Yeah! What he said, Allah willing!" Muhammad shouted as well.

"Hold up… you say you're prophets? But those religions…" Purple Heart muttered, lowering her sword. "I've never heard of them."

"What!?" Both men said at the same time.

"What makes you think your religion is better than the church of Purple Heart?" She asked, hand son her hips." If I'm going to have to compete with more people for shares, I'm feeling a bit offended."

"Well…" Jesus looked down, placing a hand on his chin.

"I have a holy book!" Both religious icons cried out at the same time.

"Yeah, well I have an anime." The CPU said triumphantly. "Haven't you seen it?"

They both shook their heads.

"My follows know I exist because they can feel me in their hearts!" Jesus exclaimed. "You can't say the same."

"Actually," Muhammad raised a finger. "That's the exact thing I was going to tell you."

Stumped, both prophets sighed and flared their nostrils at each other.

"How about we come to this conclusion." Purple Heart suggested. "Let's agree that neither of you are right, and I am here. So I'm real."

"What!" The Son of God and the prophet of Islam exclaimed. "No way man!"

"Can you prove I don't exist?" Purple Heart asked. "Nope. I have an anime, you have a book. You might have followers, but I have shares to prove I do."

"Tell that to the people who pray to Mecca each day!" Muhammad roared, feeling offended.

"You sure that those prayers are just going into space?" Jesus nudged him. "The earth is round, right? Unless your prayers are affected by gravity-"

"The earth is not round!" Puffed Muhammad. "It says right in my holy book. The earth is flat, domed and on the back of a turtle. I know it to be so!"

"Maybe you're right in that regard." Jesus snapped back. "But at least I know that I'm right because of science!"

"Science?" Questioned Purple Heart. "Did you say something about the earth being 6000 years old?"

Jesus nodded.

"Now I might not know whatever an 'Earth' is, but it's highly improbable that the planet is just that old." The Goddess shook her head. "You have fossil records and carbon dating to back that up?"

"Well…" Jesus started, feeling cornered. "I have an ark! Somewhere in Kentucky!"

"Yeah but that was build with machines, concrete and stuff like that. Not like Noah did back then." Muhammad interjected as a matter of fact.

"Crazy how that guy managed to do that." Jesus nodded.

"Mhm." Muhammad agreed.

"Okay, since both of you appear to be at an impasse," The CPU started. "Let's get you cleaned up. I'll take you to my holy place, the Basilicom, where I live."

"Alright!" Said Jesus, floating up into the sky like he did when he ascended to heaven. "Up we go!"

"No, silly!" The woman laughed. "It's a physical place! We can go there and see it!"

"Oh…" jesus muttered, face glowing red. "Let's go, then."

Together, the three of them took to the sky on magic horses, a Holy Spirit and with wings. Together, passing talking snakes and leaving burkas behind, the trio of holiness left to Planeptune.

There, Hitler came down from Celestia after killing God in my previous short story and shot both Jesus and Muhammad, proclaiming himself as holy Roman emperor.

After marrying Neptune, Hitler went on to reform Planeptune into a left-wing utopia just like he did in real life.

The end.


End file.
